Alpa Chino!
We're loaded
I love the pussy, hell, yeah
I love that pussy dripping down to the floor, oh, no
The wettest pussy, hell, yeah I love the pussy, hell, yeah
I'm drinking up your Booty Sweat and busting a nut
Alpa Chino got that pussy control
Alpa Chino's Booty Sweat.
Pop an ass open!
Booty Sweat and Bust-A-Nut bars available at concessions now.
In 2013, when the Earth's rotation came to a halt...
The President has declared all of North America a disaster area.
I call on my fellow Americans to come together...
... the world called on the one man who could make a difference.
When it happened again, the world called on him once more.
And no one saw it coming three more times!
Now,
the one man who made a difference five times before,
is about to make a difference again.
Only this time, it's different.
Who left the fridge open?
Tugg Speedman.
Scorcher Vl: Global Meltdown.
Here we go again.
Again.
Will there be anything else?
Yes, my dear man. More beans.
Granny!
Please!
This summer, America's favorite obese family is back.
Gross!
- You're just mad 'cause I'm skinny. - Am not!
Jeff Portnoy.
And Jeff Portnoy are The Fatties: Fart Two.
In some countries,
it's considered a compliment.
Letting loose this summer.
In a time where to be different was to be condemned,
and to be condemned was to die,
one man chose to question his God.
From Fox Searchlight,
five-time Academy Award winner Kirk Lazarus
and MTV Movie Award Best Kiss winner Tobey Maguire.
Winner of the Beijing Film Festival's coveted Crying Monkey Award,
Satan's Alley.
I've been a bad, bad boy, Father.
In the winter of 1969,
an elite force of the U.S. Army
was sent on a top-secret assignment in southeast Vietnam.
The objective, rescue Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback
from a heavily guarded NVA Prison Camp.
The mission was considered to be near suicide.
Of the 10 men sent, four returned.
Of those four, three wrote books about what happened.
Of those three, two were published.
Of those two, just one got a movie deal.
This is the story of the men who attempted to make that movie.
Whiskey Fire Old Snake requests an LZ prep
at Alpha-Delta-two-four-eight-niner, over.
Floyd, this is lead. Right echelon approach from RP to LZ, acknowledge.
Floyd, Wall-Eye airborne. Welcome aboard.
All right, lead's going in. Give her some cover.
Delivery on five. I repeat, delivery on five.
This is Zero-Three. I'm on your six, don't worry.
Chalk-Three's taking fire. Guns right, guns right.
Lay that shit down!
Come on!
Come on, you damn dirty heathens!
Fats! Run your motherfucking ass over there,
hold these men off, now!
We're fixing to lift off!
Put some pep in your step, dick! Jelly-ass bitch!
Wall-Eye, Wall-Eye, this is Boomer One-Seven in the Zee!
I need fast movers on my Yankee Smoke, copy?
Boomer, this is Wall-Eye. I got two-Alpha-four
- snake and nape on the ready! - Oh, Jesus! Holy shit!
Holy shit!
Get on that horn and get some firepower, boy!
Jesus Christ!
Listen, you cherry fuck,
you call in that snake and nape and get us some boom-boom now!
I'd do it myself but I'm kind of goddamn busy!
I need an answer, Boomer!
Wall-Eye, Wall-Eye!
I copy!
We got beaucoup zips in the zee.
Rock and roll!
What the fuck?
That's for Brooklyn, motherfucker!
I think I can put it back in!
We got to get back to the bird.
Lukemeyer's got popped!
This is the last Christmas I spend with Victor Charlie up my ass!
Want some? Get some!
Hey, yo, Fats! I ain't seen Four Leaf!
Don't count him out! That bastard's got luck tattooed to his ass!
Motown, get your Detroit jukebox Jheri curl ass
in this chickenshit chop-chop! ASAFP!
Four Leaf is still outside the perimeter, Sarge!
Miss me with that cracker chump jive! We di di mau! We di di mau!
Come on, Sarge. Stop jiving. Four Leaf is there.
Dead meat, soldier!
Or do you want to be a hero?
That's just how Brooks got his Jew ass killed, man.
And Meatball's dago ass bought the six-by-three farm.
Now get your ass up in the Huey, before I stomp a trench in your hiney hole!
Come on, get down, get down!
What am I looking at? What is this?
Come on, let's get, let's go! Come on, elevator up, up!
Sarge. It's Four Leaf.
No!
You get out of that hole!
You make it home, now.
Survive!
I hope y'all like hamburger meat.
'Cause that's exactly what I'm gonna be bringing back
and serving up in this whirly bird.
Cover me, you limp dick fuckups!
Peek-a-boo! I see you!
Hold on, Four Leaf!
Oh, shit!
Watch my right!
Fuck you, Charlie!
Come on, Leaf, let's boogie!
No!
- Fats! - Holy fuck!
Take us over to those men! Shit!
Look at you, man. Playing with grenades.
I'm cold, Linc.
I can't feel my legs.
Ain't nothing but a thang.
Hey, Linc.
What, man?
Why does man
got to pick up sticks against another man?
Instead of using them sticks to
prop a man up?
I'll never know.
Hold my hands,
'cause I got something to...
I got something to say.
Oh, boy.
- You holding 'em? - I got 'em tight.
When we get back to the world,
we gonna put together that three-piece combo band we talked about?
- Me on stand-up bass. - Johnny on drums.
And me tickling the ivories.
I ain't never been worth a nothing in this life,
but I want you to know something.
What, man?
You are my...
You are my brother.
You are my... You are my...
I am your brother.
I'm sorry. Could we cut?
- What's he saying? - Damien, can we cut?
- No. No, no, no, no, no... - All right, you know what?
We got the jets coming in, big explosion, two minutes.
Still rolling.
You know what? No, not still rolling. Can we cut?
- We're cutting. - No, we're not. Get out!
Hey, what's going on? For real, my butt is hurting!
This harness is riding up my crack!
- Damien, are we cutting? - No! No! Still rolling!
Mr. Cockburn! Are we cutting, sir?
No! No. I'm not cutting! We're still rolling!
Damien, what's the dealy, dude?
Are we gonna blow this tree line or what?
Tuk Tuk and Kim got the blue balls here.
I'm gonna let them squirt if we're a go!
- Play it through. Still rolling! - Dieter, can he hear me?
That's C-4, dipshit. Put that back. I said a detonator.
I need some dudes up here who speak American, God damn it!
He's making a fucking sweater back here.
I'm trying to put Tiger Balm on this jungle's nuts.
Everyone, please shut up.
The jets are coming in. We only have one chance at this!
And go!
Let's do it. You feel it? You feel me?
- You are my... - I am your brother.
We've seen it all, man.
I'm sorry, Damien?
Are you seeing that?
The little froggy on the boom mike? It's right in my eyeline.
Donny! What's up, man?
It's been there the whole show.
Yeah, well it's right in my face,
I'm staring at a frog, I'm trying to feel...
It's always the yellow frog that brings them black frog on Fridays, man.
Hell, no, I didn't pee on that girl.
No, I didn't pee on her, listen, listen, listen, listen. No, no.
The story is this. She was in the way when I was peeing, she walked past.
What the fuck is going on here?
On three, baby. One, two, breathe.
Look, do me a favor. I don't want to do a countdown before I do the scene.
- No countdown? - No countdown.
- Okay. - Can we just do it off of "Action"?
Just... In your own time.
- Good... - I'm not a rocket ship, okay?
- All right, dude. - And action!
Whatever floats your boat, baby. Fuck! Don't die!
Erika, get me a VitaminWater!
You know what it is, Damien? I'm sorry.
Not to get into his thing, but if I'm crying, should Osiris be crying, too?
- No, it's everyone cry... - We cutting or we crying?
- No, no, no, we're crying! - Just call it, man!
- Kirk, you can cry. Tugg, you can cry. - Thanks!
- Everybody cry... - You know what?
- You see how agitated he is now? - I know.
- Let's make lemonade. Let's go to work. - Okay. Still rolling!
This is Falcon One. We have the ridge in sight, approximately two miles out.
Dieter, these jets are about to crest this ridge line.
They got about 200 pounds of shit your pants.
I need to know if we're ready to go.
- You're my... You're my... - I am your...
See, that's what I think it is, Damien. I think it's the line.
Yeah?
I don't know if Four Leaf would say that... Four Leaf?
Were you crying when your hands blew up?
No. See, he didn't. Yeah, I mean, just that's what...
So now we in re-writes, right?
- Where you going? - Let's re-write it!
Action Jackson can't cry. That's what's going down.
You know what, Kirk? I'm ready to do the scene!
What scene? The scene is about emotionality. Where is it?
- Now it's time to flip the script! - Kirk...
Be here till Chinese New Year waiting for my man to cry.
You're tangling me, you're fucking tangling me.
You're tangling me, God damn it!
- Kirk, no! - Stop tailgating me, you pasty tea bag!
I'm going potty. You want to hold my dick?
Shit! What are you fucking both doing, Good Lord!
We're getting this in a wide shot, right?
Of course we're getting it in a fucking wide.
What, do you think I'm a dick or something?
Get that fucking food...
Here they come!
- The planes are inbound! - Shit! Shit!
Shit, shit, cocksucker, bollocks. Tropic tits!
That's the signal! Go, go, go, go, go!
Let's go freaking Tet here!
Goddamn shit-picking cock!
That's my shit!
Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!
- Sweet. - Oh, mama!
Bungle in the jungle.
More bad news from the Vietnamese set of Tropic Thunder,
where a $4 million explosion charred the Asian location
and the camera wasn't even rolling.
Financed by hotheaded mega-mogul Les Grossman,
the film is already rumored to be one month behind schedule
just five days into shooting. The reason?
Fingers are pointed at rookie director Damien Cockburn,
who, insiders say, can't control a star-studded cast,
including flatulent star of the popular Fatties franchise, Jeff Portnoy.
Let me tell you something. A lot of people are disrespecting me.
They say that the movie's just about farts. It's about family,
and... you! You can't do what I do.
Fresh from his most recent arrest for heroin, glue and crack possession,
Portnoy was almost uninsurable.
Also in the mix is Booty Sweat-hocking hip-hop hyphenate Alpa Chino.
I'm so excited, you know what I'm saying, about doing Tropic Thunder.
Hey, drink Booty Sweat, baby. Drink Booty Sweat.
But the real heavyweight on the set
is five-time Academy Award winner Kirk Lazarus.
Is five-time Academy Award winner Kirk Lazarus.
The brilliant Australian known for his bad boy antics off-screen
is famous for his total immersion into any role he portrays.
Well, being an actor is no different
than being a rugby player or a construction worker,
save for the fact that my tools
are the mechanisms that trigger human emotion.
Lazarus underwent a controversial
pigmentation alteration procedure in order to play
the platoon's African-American sergeant, Lincoln Osiris.
Yeah!
Trying to hold his own onscreen with Kirk
is action juggernaut Tugg Speedman.
Once the highest grossing star in the world,
lately his Scorcher films have lost their heat.
Recently, Speedman opened up to Tyra.
You have no real family.
You're on the wrong side of 40. You're childless and alone.
Somebody close to you said,
"One more flop and it's over."
Somebody said they were close to me?
It's been a tough year for Tugg.
The disappointing buddy comedy Chitlin' & the Dude
was followed by an ill-advised venture into serious dramatic territory.
Simple Jack,
the story of a mentally impaired farmhand who can talk to animals,
was a box office disaster
that many critics called, "One of the worst movies of all time."
I ain't got a good brain.
I think you've got a fine brain, Jack.
You make me happy.
But now the question is, can Speedman make audiences happy
in what's being called the most expensive
- war movie never made? - Rick Peck.
Wishing Tugg all the best on that one.
Rum-Tum-Tuggernauts, it's the Pecker. You got time for your agent?
- Rick? - Hey, buddy,
guess who I'm staring at right now.
- What? - I'm looking at your ugly mug
on the back cover of Vanity Fair magazine,
holding a cute, cuddly panda from Cutesville.
It is insane, bro. You are a rock star.
Hey, did you get the gift basket I sent?
From Rick.
Yeah. Yeah. It's cool, man. Thanks.
All right, that is a real satellite phone, bro.
Do not re-gift.
Hey. You see that Access Hollywood piece?
Yeah, I did. It was like pistol-whipping a blind kid.
I mean, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, Tugg. You are a huge star, all right?
But right now,
you're like that kid on the playground, you know,
the one who has lice that none of the other kids want to play with?
- What do you mean? - I mean we gotta shave your head
and get you back on the monkey bars, right?
What?
How did the crying scene go?
Horrible. Lazarus started crying.
Then he starts drooling and dribbling, and it wasn't even in the script...
Stop right there!
You gotta buck up here, Tuggboat.
Who cares how much more talented he may be than you?
If he cries, you cry harder, man.
Didn't your dog have, like, leukemia or something
when you were a kid? I mean, think of that.
Boom! End of story. They hook up the TiVo yet?
Good gosh.
- What? - The TiVo, they hook it up?
- No. The guy didn't come. - What?
For fuck's sake, that is unacceptable.
They have digital cable, but, I mean, it's okay.
No, no, no. Come on, man. It's not okay.
It is not okay, Tugg!
And you don't need to explain to me why you need TiVo
or clean water, clean sheets, food, shelter.
I mean, I fought for that in your contract.
How's the adoption thing coming, buddy?
Not too great.
I feel like all the good ones are gone.
Well, at least you get to choose yours.
I'm stuck with mine.
Tell you what, get back to work, genius soldier.
The Pecker's on a TiVo mission for the Y-O-U.
Work on those tears, my man.
All right. Yeah.
Say it for me one time.
- You make me happy. - Make me happy.
- I love you, buddy. - All right, bye.
Crisis meeting? What does that mean, exactly?
I mean, are we in a crisis?
He's the head of the studio.
He's reaching out. We're 10,000 miles away.
He just wants a little face-time.
I know, it's just you said that he called it a crisis meeting. So...
It's Les Grossman. He throws these words around.
"Crisis," "explosion," "not rolling," "fired."
These are just words.
Yeah! Yeah!
Keep a secret? A camera truck in London just plowed into Judi Dench.
Trust me, he's got bigger problems.
Look, he may be able to see me, but I can't see him.
- Move! Move! Hello, Les! Hello! - Get your ass out of my...
- Your feet were on my desk. - Can he see us?
I don't know why we don't have...
Get him a Diet Coke. Les! It's working!
Yeah, whatever you're doing right there. Hello, Les!
- Hello, Les! - Okay.
We got you loud and clear here, Les.
I see you. I see you. I see you.
Which one of you fuckfaces is Damien Cockburn?
That's me, sir.
It's good to finally meet you at last, get some face-time.
And who here is the key grip? You? You.
Hit that director in the face, really fucking hard.
Sorry, man.
This is your fault, you limey fuck!
You shit the money-bed, my friend.
- What? - God damn it, Damien!
With all due respect, Les Grossman did not blow up the jungle.
- What? - Fuck the jungle.
Exactly!
Come on, man.
Hey, Les, I understand if you're angry,
but I am dealing with a bunch of prima donnas!
Clowns! Tugg Speedman, he can't cry! He can't cry!
You know how you handle an actor? They whine about anything,
you pull down their pants and you spank their ass.
- You spank that ass, Les. - What?
Spanking a child turns him into a little snot.
Fear makes him a man.
I know a place where a man's worth is measured
in the ears hanging from his dog tags.
The real deep shit.
You wanna make this movie right?
That's where you take your pansy-ass actors.
Who is this guy?
Les, that's Four Leaf.
Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback. I wrote the book.
You're a great American. This nation owes you a huge debt.
Now shut the fuck up and let me do my job!
- Look, Cockburn. - Yes.
From now on, my fist is gonna be so far up your shithole
that every time you have a thought,
it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring.
Take control of your actors, or I will shut you down.
Diet Coke!
One week down, two weeks behind,
GI Joe can't cry, don't matter 'cause you ain't got the camera turned on anyway.
Let's party!
Man, you better get your shit straight,
or I'll be on the next NetJet out of here, baby. You feel me?
- You feel that? - Yeah.
Here comes another. There we go. Now what?
- Sandusky. Good. - Hey, Mr. Cockburn.
We need to have a cast meeting right now.
- Right now? Awesome. - Yes.
You actually care, don't you?
Yeah, it's a huge deal for me, are you kidding?
I've spent the past two years of my life
living off residuals from a anti-herpes medication commercial.
I know, you're the only one who auditioned,
the only one who did the two-week boot camp.
Hey, hey, Alpa.
I'm the director. He's... I need to speak to my actor.
All right, hold up. Chino?
What? Hell, yo. What's up, baby?
This about the Booty Sweat cross-promotion?
No, it's about the film.
Oh, the film and Booty Sweat's the same thing. Give him a shot.
Hey, how you doing, Jeff?
- Who are you? - That's awesome, man.
Kevin. Kevin Sandusky. I play Brooklyn, we've been working together.
Oh, right, right. I like you.
Man, it's a real honor to be here...
I can tell it's gonna be a good experience.
I'm really having a good time.
Hey, can you help me out, man? I'm looking for this guy.
The grip with the bandana. He's got a package for me.
There he is, fucker. Dragon!
What the fuck? Oh, buddy!
I'm gonna go shoot a video, right?
I'm gonna have V.C. Soldiers in the video
doing the noodle-legs, Damien.
Hell, yeah, do it. V.C. Soldiers doing the hip-hop bunny hop, Damien.
It's good, I love it, great. But I need to...
V.C. Soldiers doing the seizure, baby. Hit it, baby.
Hell yeah, get it. Get it, Cornbread.
Alpa!
Yo, check it out. Donny on the phone.
Hello? Yo, yo, Donny!
Can we call him back? I've got to have a cast meeting.
When we put aside our differences,
we see we're kind of the same.
When we put aside our differences, we see
we're kind of the same.
Let's be friends.
I know we can do great things together.
That's a quotation from a children's book I co-wrote,
The Boy Everybody Was Jealous Of.
I think it pertains to the journey...
Simple Jack sucked ass!
All right, who said that? It's not funny.
Whoever it is, it's not funny, okay?
When the herd loses its way,
the shepherd must kill the bull that leads them astray.
- Four Leaf? - Come on over. It's okay.
- Sit down. - Yes.
- So, you don't like the hotel? - Beds give me nightmares.
I'm guessing right about now you couldn't find a Dixie coonskin
with an Ohio hooker holding your prick and showing you the way.
What?
You're a riddle
with no cheese to maze through.
Don't you get it?
No, I don't. I'm a cock of the mouse or something. I don't know.
I put my story in your limp Brit hands,
and you are not going to fail me.
You think I was just blowing my own bagpipe in that meeting?
You must put those boys in the shit.
What? I don't understand.
- You wanna make your movie or not? - Yes, I do.
All right, you get some of those little video type cameras.
We take them out there, and we put them in the trees in different angles.
Then you give me and that pyromaniac Cody
all the smoke bombs, charges, explosives, detonators you got.
Then we take those boys up there,
me and Cody, we could light up that fucking jungle,
so those lily-dick actors would be shitting their pants
and screaming for their mammies.
They'd be begging for a body bag if it means a ride home.
I could do it.
I could shoot the whole thing guerrilla style. Gritty, dirty.
Get them away from their helpers and ass-licking assistants.
Put them in the real shit.
- Real shit. - With real fear in their eyes!
Real fear, real emotion! Yes, Four Leaf, yes!
- Yes! Yes! - Yes! Yes!
Take them off the fucking grid!
You are no longer actors in a movie!
You are five men in a helicopter!
With three other men!
How long are we gonna be gone, anyways?
'Cause I left most of my vitamins back at the hotel.
- Save your breath, maggots! - That's right, maggots!
M&M?
Go, go, go! Get out of the chopper!
Move it, maggots, move! Move, grunts, move your ass!
Get out, you wriggly worms!
- It's up too high! - Move, move, move!
See you in hell!
This is bullshit! I gotta at least call my fucking assistant.
Fucking! Jesus! Dude!
You're sitting on a nest of hostile enemy V.C.
Congratulations, Fats. You just got us all killed.
Anybody else care to give away our position to Charlie?
Cell phones!
What the hell, Damien?
Weren't no cell phones in '69, man. I'm head-to-toe legitimate.
Gentlemen, I've got good news and bad news.
The studio wants to shut us down. That's the bad news.
And the good news.
If you wanna save this movie, you will become a unit.
Your objective is to head north to the D'ang Kwook River
and liberate the POW camp,
at which point Four Leaf will get himself captured,
at which point you will rescue him,
at which point we will chopper you home!
Damn.
Four Leaf, since you're the staff sergeant,
there's the map, this is the scene list.
Think you can handle it?
We have rigged this entire valley of death with hidden cameras.
And I will be shooting as well, from unseen vantage points,
so that every glorious moment is captured on film.
And believe me, gentlemen, it will be glorious.
If it looks real, chances are it probably is.
You wanted to be actors.
You wanted to occupy the skin of another human being.
Well, get ready to occupy the skin of a terrified U.S. Infantry grunt,
surrounded by death, crawling up Satan's bottom.
There'll be ambushes, enemy fire, your own little personal slice of 'Nam.
This radio goes to the chopper and the chopper only.
The chopper is God, and I am Jesus Christ, his son.
You are my chosen disciples.
And no one gets to go home till we get the shots.
Put on your war faces, gentlemen.
Now, let's go and make the greatest war movie ever!
- Yeah! - All right!
Yeah!
Not bad, Cockburn!
Not bad.
Wherever you are!
Wherever he is? Looks like he's all over the place.
Here we go.
Must be an old French mine.
It's a remnant from colonial Indo-China. This jungle must be full of them.
Don't you get it? He's messing with our heads.
That's what all that playing God stuff was about.
He's trying to get us to act good, save the movie.
He ain't playing God. He's being judged by him.
That's our objective. Complete the mission.
No offense, Kirk, I know you're the big fancy actor here,
but I've done a lot more effects-driven event films than you. Okay?
And I think I can spot
a prop head when I see one.
Oh, Jesus.
It's corn syrup, guys. Corn syrup and latex.
Warm, blood-flavored corn syrup.
Oh, God.
Smoke and mirrors, guys. Welcome to the movie factory.
Oldest trick in the book.
He getting down now.
Oh, my God!
Whoa, look at me!
You're going to get the shots,
and I'm going to make sure because I'm the director.
I'm from London. I direct plays.
Hey, Damien! We got our war faces on!
Look, I'm Dave Beckham.
So, we gotta light these boys up today, huh?
Blow some sense into these young men.
Hey, I don't want to come off as weird or anything,
but I might be your biggest fan. Yeah.
Tropic Thunder. Kind of like my Catcher in the Rye.
Yeah, I've never been in the military, per se,
but I have lost an appendage in the line of duty.
Driving Miss Daisy, first studio gig.
Yeah.
It's a pretty cool sidearm you got there. What is it?
I don't know what it's called.
I just know the sound it makes when it takes a man's life.
Okay.
Damien, we're go for explosion.
Ready to kick the tires and light the fires on your say-so.
Damien, we're go for explosion.
Do you copy?
I got an itchy trigger finger here, and I'm ready to blow some shit up.
All right, you happy now? Can we do the scene?
Or do you need a formal invitation? Come on, let's go!
Here. Okay.
"Scene 12, exterior, jungle clearing, day, ambush.
"Four Leaf notices movement in the brush.
"A dozen guerrilla fighters can be seen moving in the tree line.
"Somewhere a mine explodes." And you.
"I got a bad feeling on this one."
- Yeah. - No, that's your line.
- I got... Now? - Yeah, but scared. Like, scared.
- "I got a bad feeling on this one." - Dude, wait, like how?
"I got a bad feeling on this one."
- Okay. - Action. Go, come on.
I got a bad feeling on this one there, Fats.
Our asses don't get fragged in this bullshit valley,
first thing I'm doing is paying my two bucks
so I can watch Brooklyn bust his cherry
on a sweet little mama-san's dinky dau poontang.
Shit, Brooklyn be bagged and tagged before he get any cooch.
He die, he probably die a coochless motherfucker.
Zip it, Motown.
Don't you worry, Brooklyn.
You got a lot of days of fucking ahead of you.
Man, I'm thirsty.
Might as well have some of this Booty Sweat I got back in Danang.
Yo, asshole! This motherfucker's dead!
Ain't no Criss Angel Mindfreak,
David Blaine trapdoor horseshit jumping off here!
Hey! You wanna get on the train here, or do you wanna ruin another take?
There ain't no goddamn takes, ain't no goddamn motion picture!
- You sure? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - For certain, man.
Then why are you still in character?
I know, but I don't have to tell you.
You don't know.
Man, I don't drop character till I done a DVD commentary.
You happy now? We're out of position for the effects!
Get down, fool!
Didn't anyone read the script? This is the ambush!
- This feels pretty real! - Exactly! Let's use it.
Yeah!
Eat lead!
They're busting caps like a motherfucker down there.
This is FUBAR. I say we juice them.
- What do you think? - Juice them.
Fuck you, Charlie!
Big-ass titties!
Look at that, huh?
And cut!
That's the trailer right there.
Yeah!
- What do we do now? - Yeah.
North. Man said to head north.
- Did you see me shooting? - That's how we do. Good work, baby.
I believed it.
D'ang Kwook River.
I'm betting he's got more of these battles
and Viet Congs rigged for us along the way.
Sergeant Osiris, get your men. Load and lock.
Real, baby, I'm real.
Let's go! We got a lot of klicks to cover!
Hump it up, gentlemen! Single formation.
Don't dawdle now!
D-Rod, D-Rod, this is Puddingface. How are we coming on that hotplate?
Something's up. I think we better drag ass back there.
Make sure Damien ain't forgot how to use his talkbox again.
Yeah, baby, come on. Just a little taste.
- What are you doing, Jeff? - Fucking... Nothing, man!
- I'm eating jellybeans. - Wow, I love jellybeans. Can I please...
No, you can't have any fucking jellybeans.
They're mine.
You think you're the only one who gets sick
when he doesn't have his jellybeans?
Boundaries, man. Fuck.
Hey. I didn't mean to show you up back there.
It's just, I feel like we really need to set the example for the other guys.
It's gonna be tough,
but I think Damien's gonna get some great shit out of us.
Just wish I had a director like this on Jack.
On Jack. What? Jack? What you talking about?
- Simple Jack. - Oh, yeah.
Simple Jack, yeah. You went all out on that one, huh?
You did. Really swung for the fences, huh?
Thank you. Thanks. Yeah.
Yeah, it was an intense experience, you know.
I just did the work.
Watched a lot of retarded people. Spent time with them. Observed them.
Watched all the retarded stuff they did.
Then again, I always found mere observation
in and of itself is a tad rudimentary.
Sometimes, we gotta dig deeper to mine the true emotional pay dirt.
Thus, we can diagram the source of the pain and then live it, you know.
Yeah, yeah, live it. Yeah, exactly.
You know, there were times when I was doing Jack
that I actually felt retarded,
- like really retarded. - Oh, yeah.
I mean, I brushed my teeth retarded,
- I rode the bus retarded. - Damn.
In a weird way, I had to sort of just free myself up
to believe that it was okay to be stupid or dumb.
- To be a moron. - Yeah.
- To be moronical. - Exactly, to be a moron.
- An imbecile. - Yeah.
Like the dumbest motherfucker that ever lived.
When I was playing the character.
- When you was the character. - Yeah, as Jack, definitely.
Jack, stupid ass Jack.
Trying to come back from that.
In a weird way it was almost like I had to sort of fool my mind
into believing that it wasn't retarded,
and by the end of the whole thing, I was like,
"Wait a minute, I flushed so much out, how am I gonna jumpstart it up again?"
- It's just like... Right? - Yeah.
You was farting in bathtubs and laughing your ass off.
Yeah.
But Simple Jack thought he was smart,
or rather, didn't think he was retarded,
so you can't afford to play retarded, being a smart actor.
Playing a guy who ain't smart but thinks he is,
- that's tricky. - Tricky.
It's like working with mercury. It's high science, man. It's an art form.
- Yeah. - You an artist.
- That's what we do, right? Yeah. - Yeah.
Hats off for going there,
especially knowing how the Academy is about that shit.
- About what? - You're serious? You don't know?
Everybody knows you never go full retard.
- What do you mean? - Check it out.
Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man, looked retarded, act retarded, not retarded.
Count toothpicks, cheat at cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded.
Then you got Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump.
Slow, yes, retarded, maybe, braces on his legs.
But he charmed the pants off Nixon, and he won a Ping-Pong competition.
That ain't retarded.
And he was a goddamn war hero. You know any retarded war heroes?
You went full retard, man.
Never go full retard.
You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, I Am Sam.
Remember? Went full retard? Went home empty-handed.
Oh, my God! Holy shit!
Good job, turd. You killed the director.
No, that's impossible, man.
I rigged the whole tree line, and this is here.
- He must have missed his mark. - Missed his mark?
Yeah, this isn't me.
Come on, let's bag and tag the bastard and get back to the hotel.
- You're in a world of hurt, dumbo! - We're in a world of hurt!
- You're in trouble. - This isn't just on me!
- We're in a... We're together on this. - Bullshit.
You're just gonna run away. You're gonna leave.
What happened to, "No man left behind," okay?
Just wait, just wait! Listen! Listen, okay?
- I don't wanna hear it. - Let me just be real with you, all right?
I almost blinded Jamie Lee Curtis on Freaky Friday, okay?
This shit will fucking ruin me!
- Just get off me! You're pathetic. - No, I'm not.
- Get off me! - You are not going back!
- What the fuck? - Now wait a minute.
So, what? We're just supposed to keep walking?
Try to stay in character. Remember, we're on camera.
This thing's too heavy.
I want the rubber one that the prop guy gave me.
Where's the fucking prop guy?
How's it going with that map, chief?
- Can I have a look at it? - I got it.
Yeah, Damien gave it to me, remember?
Yeah, but he gave it to you for us.
- Yeah. - Okay.
- I got it. - You got it upside down.
Thank you.
Letters go one way and the numbers another.
Dude, I'm trying to... I got your back, man.
- Well, I'm cool. All right, I'm cool. - You are?
Is your character dyslexic?
- No, my character's not dyslexic. - So you a cartographer.
I'm tired, I want to go home.
Why, so you can get back and make Fatties: Fart 20, or some shit?
It's Fatties: Fart Two, there's no... Hey, you wish you had a Fatties franchise.
- What? - It's Fatties: Fart Two.
- Yeah, you do. - I don't want no Fatties franchise,
- I got a diamond toilet. - Your stupid-ass commercials.
You're all fucked up, man, you look tired.
You look like you bumped your head or something,
so I came over to see if you're fucking all right, that's all.
- Yeah, why don't you get on point? - I'm on point right here.
...my farts are fucking more beautiful than...
You still got that shit upside down.
The numbers help, man, the numbers...
The letters go across the top and then the numbers.
- Want the map? - Yeah, I want the fucking map.
Well, you can't have it, 'cause Damien gave it me.
You wish you had my farts, my farts are fucking music.
All right. That's enough.
Everybody's obviously a little bushed from all this humping.
So take a chow break. Chow break!
But stay alert.
Remember, Charlie don't care if you're on break or not.
All right, that's lunch. Coming back to the same scene afterwards,
"Lost in the goddamn jungle."
Captain Simple Jack.
Fuck you.
I fucking hate movies.
This is bullshit. I don't wanna be in this shitty movie.
No! That's my jellybeans! No!
Kid, grab the bat! Please! Shit!
- Yo, man, I got a Bust-A-Nut. - You go to hell! There he is.
God damn it! Okay. Where'd he go?
You little piece of shit! I'm gonna fucking rip your wings off!
Sanducci. Hold up, man, keep it on the down-low.
I don't really gotta piss. I'm trying to talk at you, man.
Bait, I need bait.
You went to boot camp, right? You can read a map?
Yeah, I think so.
I know Speedman got everyone convinced we out here
making Planet of the Apes on YouTube or some shit, but I don't buy it.
You wanna step on a real landmine? You wanna die?
You wanna get shot by a real motherfucker?
- Keep looking ahead, man. - No, of course not.
Trying to get home, man.
Got a big job coming up next year.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
It's about Abe Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth when they were both young.
- Oh, wow! - Yeah.
- That's a classy picture. - Dude, you kind of look like Abe.
Slap a beard on you.
- What's your fucking name? - Really? It's Kevin.
- Kevin Sandusky. - Yeah.
If I can put that map in your hands, can I count on you?
- Well, yeah, I guess you can. - Dynamite. I'm out.
That smelled just like bologna for some reason.
Is anyone gonna fucking help me get this fucking thing?
Why are they even out in the daytime?
I'm gonna level with you, bro. I don't need to pee. I need to talk to you.
Lazarus is gonna torpedo the movie.
He's way out on a limb with this character,
and I think he's getting cold feet.
And the men respect you, 'cause you went to boot camp
and rehearsal.
- Can I count on you, Kyle. - It's Kevin.
Good.
If you want I could give the map a look-see.
- I'll handle the map. - Okay.
You stick with the program, we get this movie in the can,
I'm thinking there could be a Teen Choice Award in it for you.
You have that potential. They'll slime you, the whole deal.
- Yeah, that's wicked. - Good.
There it is! Yeah, now you're dead!
You O.D.'d!
Hold up now, Jeff.
Fucking hell!
What the hell, Jeff? That's a bat, man!
I don't have any more jellybeans.
You land there!
Wow. Look at these ruins.
- Where the hell are we? - D'ang Kwook River.
That so? How do you know that? How you sure?
Only one way to find out, dude. Let's go.
Yeah. I'm not feeling so good right now. Seriously, my skin hurts!
Enough from the peanut gallery! Into the water, ladies!
No, man. Let me take a look at that map right quick.
Why is everybody all obsessed with the map?
'Cause we're tired of being your trail donkeys!
Acting like you some one-man GPS!
God damn it! We lost! We fucking super lost, man!
Tell him, McClusky. Tell him what time it is.
I don't believe you people.
What do you mean "you people"?
What do you mean, "you people"?
I think what Tugg means is...
No, look at his eyes, man.
...you people, you actors. You people... - Look at them beady, white devil eyes.
I gotta get back to the hotel, for real!
- Hell, no! - Silence!
Chill! All right? Just chill it.
Now, let's go get those Viet Congs.
- "Viet Cong"! - What?
It's "Viet Cong." There's no "S." It's already plural.
You wouldn't say "Chineses."
All right, that's enough of this insubordination!
If the machine breaks down, we break down.
Hey, man, you know how in Rambo I, he was big but a little puffy
and then Rambo II, he got all shredded up?
- Yeah. - That's kind of how you look right now.
- Yeah? - Not Rambo I but II.
- Really? - Yeah, when he was cut up.
I'm not that... I mean, that's what I'm going for, but you know...
Come on, dude. You more shredded than a julienne salad, man.
- Thanks. - What's the secret, dude?
- It's a diet. I'm just dieting. - Really?
'Cause I'm trying to come up a little, but it's just... It's tough.
- You look good. - Any tips?
- What? - Any tips, you got?
There's, like, the pineapple...
- Give me that goddamn map! Fuck you! - Hey!
- All right, now!
What it is, Sikorski? Tell us where we really at.
That's fucking bullshit! It's a chump move.